Words come too late
by Larpskendya
Summary: Rude finally reveals his innermost thoughts. Kind of depressing-But please read!


Words Come Too Late  
By  
Cyberfox  
  
Author's note: Final Fantasy belongs to Squaresoft but the story is mine. I'm feeling a little miserable because I saw Matrix Revolution. Sigh. Well, I'm depressed so I thought I'd write a little. It's 2:30 am so if this story's a little weird you have my apologies.  
  
I sit there in silence, at the sticky, beer drenched counter in a seedy bar, wishing that Reno were here to liven the place up a little. Wishing that Elena were here to tell me to cheer up. Wishing that Tseng were here to tell me that the drinks were coming outta my paycheque. I've taken the last of my gil from the bank and I'm losing it fast as drink after drink magically appears. Alcohol is a powerful amnesiac. Second best to shooting yourself in the head.  
  
I am, as usual, hiding behind my sunglasses. Reno and Elena questioned me constantly about them. Wait, I tell a lie. Elena questioned me constantly about them. Reno just rolled his eyes. Maybe he knew why. He was after, my closest friend. Maybe he didn't. How can he when even I don't know. If I were to take a wild guess I suppose it's to shield myself. I must be drunk to be saying this. It sounds like drivel from some psychiatrist's book. It's true though. Someone once told me that your eyes are windows to your soul. Well, the sunglasses are my shutters.  
  
That's all I wanted to do when I was younger. I wanted to shut myself away so that nobody would know my weaknesses. So that nobody could torture my already broken soul. Cover your emotions, shut your mouth. That's what I did during those years on the street. Now I've uncovered my emotions and they're lying before me like a black pit, begging me to jump in and be lost in them forever.  
  
I suddenly wish that I could express them better. I wish that I could gabble like Elena or chatter like Reno. Maybe that was their defense mechanism. Act stupid. It probably worked better than mine. Words and thoughts buzz through my head, stinging and taunting my mind like mosquitoes. Day after day, year after year, paycheque after paycheque. All of the words that I wanted to say remain unspoken. Simple things like:  
  
"Reno, you're like a brother to me. I just want you to know that I care."  
  
"Elena, I love you. Quit this job, you've got too much heart and I don't want to see it splattered on the streets."  
  
"Tseng - you're the father I never had. Thank you."  
  
It's too late now. They're all dead. Not passed away. That sounds to pleasant - and believe me - they didn't die pleasant deaths. No. They're dead. Not pushing up daisies. That's too comical. It doesn't do them justice. They're dead. They tore gaping holes in my heart when they left and the wounds are still aching.  
  
Now I'm sitting here in a bar getting smashed. It's what Reno would have wanted.  
  
I'm remaining alert though. I'm living up to the Turk reputation. It's what Tseng would have wanted.  
  
And tomorrow, when my head is pounding and all I want to do is hold a gun to my head and pull the trigger.I won't. Elena wouldn't have wanted to to waste my life. Not that it's not already wasted. As am I after all these drinks.  
  
I might as well shoot myself. Shinra's gone now. So are the Turks. All but one. Me. It's better this way, though. I should be the one to suffer. I wouldn't want Elena, Reno or Tseng to feel the pain of being the only one left in this lonely world. Pain, yeah. You think getting shot is sore? I've been hit a couple of times and it was agony but nothing, nothing to what I'm feeling now.  
  
I suppose it's only fitting. I, who have seen thing that would make angels cry, sinners cringe and the demons tears apart the skies and roar in fury should live to see another day. But I'll do it. For them. Only for them. I never pray but if I did it would be to those guys. And I wouldn't ask them for anything. They've given me enough. I'd thank `em.  
  
Elena, thank you for your compassion. Thank you for talking so much that I often wished that I could turn you off somehow. Thank you for teasing Reno and for showing me how strong you are. Thank you for giving me that strength when I needed it.  
  
Tseng, thank you for your patience. Thank you for saving me when I was on the streets. You were my mentor, my idol, my boss.but perhaps, even more importantly, my friend.  
  
Reno, thank you for every drink you bought me, for every sarcastic, chauvenist remark. Thank you for being there for me. For listening. For offering what little comfort you could even though you had little to spare. Thank you for your courage and thank you for taking the bullet for me. Yeah. That bullet had my name on it but you readdressed it to yourself. Hell, I almost blame you for that. I would have taken the bullet for you, you know. I probably deserve a couple of bullets by now.  
  
And you. Whoever you are. Thank you for your time. For hearing me. I needed this almost as much as I needed that last drink. Possibly more. Maybe the words in my head will become a little quieter now. A little less painful.  
  
I might as well go now. Live my life. It'll be long but I won't give up. I'll make it. Thanks to my family. My brother, father and sister. Reno, Tseng and Elena. Thanks guys. I suppose I'll die at some time or other because no one lives forever. And then Hell will never be the same.  
  
There, wasn't that depressing? I'm just feeling a little down cuz it's exams and all that. Wish me luck for French exams!!! ( 


End file.
